letter

I figure I should come back in a big way
Right?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear patrick,

I hope all is well in chicago. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write you. Me and ----------- broke up. You might have heard or you might not. I think I didn't love her anymore. I'm with this new girl now named -----------. Shes turbulent and young. I dont know what to make of her really, Its only been two weeks and we've almost broken up twice. I was so used to ---------- calculated routineness that it's a culture shock to be with -------. I'm scared for my future I think. Im trying to hold on vainly to the scraps of childhood I have left. Im 17 years old and in a few months I'll be 18. I probably don't have enough money for the Academy of Art, but I will probably end up riding it out in debt and going there anyways.
Is it ok to hate yourself? I hate myself I think. I've hated myself since I was 8 years old. Ive never really told many people, but I tried to kill myself 2 times. I didn't tell -------------, even though at the times of the attempts we were seeing each other. I think she would have freaked out or something. I'm considering taking up smoking cigarettes and drinking as well. Ive never done either, and I would like to experiment. Maybe not. As usual Im all talk and no game. I need help I guess. I consider myself a failure and little is keeping me from trying to kill myself again. I need something to live for. Right now there just isn't. I don't even draw as much as I did before. I haven't done graph in ages. I feel worked myself into something I really like and then when I broke up with -------------- everything went to hell. Me and ------------'s relationship was good, but I felt married at 17. Who wants that? I think I'm falling in love with -----, and I don't want to because she so wishy washy about everything. I listen to the Locust now. More than I should probably. Something about the pure energy and anger that just pours out of the music attracts me to it likes moths to a flame. My dad always said "Nobody said life would be easy". Hes right you know. Its really not. Shits hard. I feel like an outside again. Its fucking 6th grade all over again for me. For all arguable reasons I have, I should be happy, but Im just not. I guess time will tell. as it always does. I hope this letter finds you well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I remember the precise moment I read this letter last year. I was walking, it was windy and my scarf was wrapped tight but still flailing a bit. It was in the midst of some personal turmoil, the kind that routine cold weather and big personalities (mainly my own) can bring on. I open this envelope with expectations, not exactly positive ones, although I always find a letter to be some kind of relief. I opened the envelope, draw the letter and walk and read, only to read the first quarter of it and need to stop. I needed to asses the situation, the first reading of this letter much more seriously than I was. It almost brought me to tears, which is what other peoples unexpectedly disjointed, fragile narratives mixed with exhaustion does. The letter told me many things I never knew about its writer, but it also told me to stop, to rest and understand the severity of human endeavors. It was nice, sure it cut down to the bone, but sometimes thats nice right?

I want readers to know the writer of this is drinking smoking, sinning, unattached to a significant other, living, drawing, breathing deep, and hopefully taking it easy from time to time. If you are in the central coast you may see some of his wonderful art up in public places.

little recent anecdote I love about this person
I was recently hanging out with them while back in California. They said they had recently picked up a hitch hiker on a whim. I believe my the writer descibed the girl as a nice looking hippie. During the drive, the hippie, after hearing enough of the relentless metalcore piercing what could have been a quite drive, she turned to my friend and said "You are fueled by hate"
They said "your damn fucking right, but that is still rude, how dare you" and continued to drive to where the girl needed to go.
That is what made me realize that this person is not really fueled by hate, completely.

LETTER

yet another one that did not make it up from last year

you will read it is from someone I regularly correspond with
I must say that her views of sharing life, the joy she gets from hearing my life, is much reciprocated. There is something liberating about a static view of ones current place. I understand that humans by nature are dynamic and changing, but you must admit a letter, when written with sincerity, is an unchanging glimpse into the character of the writer.
----------------------------------------

Patrick; my correspondance, my friend, my colleague

I am so happy to hear from you. I am especially delighted to hear of this -------- character- he seems magnificent ( I wish to meet? someday?). I hope your relationship is not some regurgitation of social stereotypes, but if I know you at all, I'd say definetly no. No to the utmost extent. And good for you either way! Now I'm just babbling.
Incidentally, today someone called me a monster, she said "You monster!" as I was trying to convey my personal affinity to stoic philosophy. Seems a little much don't you think? It isn't all that monsterus to identify ones own emotions, but choose to act with reason and rationale instead. She actually proclaimed this unflattering babel when I stated that I care very little about my daily social interactions as I am quite satisfied with my society of friends and I like my privacy- my seclusion. Still, monster? Me? No.

I am, or rather have been, brushing up on my Carl Jung, whom I've never really liked until now. He's a bit too spiritual perhaps, but a scientist nonetheless. I bring this up because his understanding of archetypes is altogether comprehensive and continually echoes Joseph Campbell. Speaking of spirituality, --------- ---------- came up to visit and we spent the day in the woods tripping on shrooms- we became transcendentalists then which left me with thoughts that my existential self has yet to shake off. Drugs may change me, do they not?
I love to hear of your life. I love reading both the joyus and the unfortunate events and everything in between of your mental status and "feelings" and such. Meanwhile when I don't have your letters to read I've been making soap, essential oils, glycerin, bio fuel and other exciting chemical "operations" as I indulge my thirst for knowledge. Quality stuff I must say. I m happy at the moment which is punctuated by the pleasant weather as you noted. I consider it a good sign that nature effects us so we have not lost our primeval ties. Respondez vous!


PS: I love how Carl Jung speaks;
" Miss Frank Miller is an introvert... Her psychic energy has turned inwards to produce these unconscious archaic residues... her unconscious need to separate and her inability to do so indicate that she too will be 'engulfed in a landslide"


--------------------------------------------
side notes:


Written also on this envelope were beautiful quotes, I believe that were spoken by Carl Jung
- life is sickness, torture, death, and finally rebirth
-Is God the same as the unconcious then? As self and God are so hard to differentiate!
-It is the aim of anyone seeking wholeness of self
-Better keep the archetyopes of God and the self seperate!
and my favorite
- A numinous expirence of 'something whole' is not only the privilege of shamans and priests


since reading this letter again and again I have looked breifly into the life of Joseph Campbell, and he to me is so many wonderful things. In the preface to his book The Hero with a Thousand Faces "My hope is that a comparative elucidation may contribute to the perhaps not-quite-desperate cause of those forces that are working in the present world for unification, not in the name of some ecclesiastical or political empire, but in the name of human mutual understanding."

ghahhsdhjkdsfkljhds
I am sorry it is hard to write with composure now, maybe it is because I have not been in school for a few months, but the more I read about Joseph Campbell the more I love him. A man of letters, a man who reguards myth as a the sacred product of feelings that are universally human, this man is in many ways who I want to be.

dont call it a come back

Here are some old letters that never happened to be unposted

the first is centered around self realization
the recognizing of actions and behavioral patterns, at least to me, is very important
to me it is the pinnicale

you may take this moment as your outline for alteration
you may take it as a moment to rejoice in your achivements
or you may damn yourself again to old destructive ways
ignorantly so or with conviction
------------------------------------------------------------------------
May 2, 2008


Salud Patty,
What up Motha licka

It is I, --------, of the ------. I have started at least 7 letters to you, never to get more than two pages in and decide there is no way I will mail it. Why? I aked myself tha too, actually I stopped asking myself that awhile ago. Why is it that such a silly that can only lead to absurd answers.

Today my letter will be about something personal, something right now. But also forever. I am a bitch. I know it, anyone I ever get close to knows it. I'm mean, I put people down, subtley and constanly, until they no longer want to be my friend. Its a pattern. Anytime I get close enough to someone, enough to let my guard down, I critisize them until they until they can't stand being around me. I did it to -----, to ------, to -------- and ------, to ------, and now to -------. I always make excuses when I see these friends try to retreat. The excuse I made to ------- was sort of an eye opener though. We were at --------- and we had just done E and I was trying to explain how sorry I was for being like I am, and he told me I was only like this to the people I loved. I think I must find faults and exploit the. Why do I do this?

My mother's response was that I have the gift of attracting extraordinay people to be my friends.

I'm going to try to make an effort to make it up. I know that this sounds half hearted - and who knows, knowing me- but I would love to make it up to -----, because the people I do this to are the people I am afraid of losing the most. A letter to you, I guess, is a start. I wish I had the nerve to send you some of my other beginnings of letters, but they sound retarded to me. I actually did finish one, put it in an envelope and everything, but when I reread it, it was so sad.

Love,
--------------

------------------------------------
I must admit that for this persons privacy I had to bend some phrases
also if they are reading I want them to know I love them and miss them
I always will

unexpected art that can be descirbed and hopefully understood

in a devastatingly wonderful letter, that i will most likely post parts of later, i happened to recieve an unexpected gift,

this gift was what i will call an art piece
this gift was 10 crumpled up scrawled on pieces of paper
this gift was this person's (or this person's family's) grocery lists

and this lead me to the following colclusions:
-we (as humans) eat to survive
-this is what my family and i eat to survive
-we consume/buy to survive
-we organize ourselves to survive
- we need to remeber to survive
-we fold up and throw away our old tools of survival, our things to rememeber and means of getting by, and we forget that someone else may appreciate them.
-sometimes there is not point in in survial, it is just done


SO I WANT TO HEAR ALL OF YOUR THOUGHTS
why do you think this person sent me lists or things they have bought/ planned to buy/consume
or is there even a meaning
i stress the idea of respectfully and eloquently expressing an argument or statement
lets get some feed back

as always

much love

patrick gill

ps:
i dont particularlly think that the contributor of this necessarily intended for these lists to be thought of in this way, but what else is going to happen when you send things without explanation to a man who wants things explained

i think that deep down they like it

Found a letter in my stack ok things i need to do

so i am kicking my own ass again
i sent out a few thank yous and responses to constant contributors

and in the process of working through the piles i found some gems that never got hung on the wall

i have gotten in the habit of conversing in lengthy stream of concious meanderings with one of my regular correspondances. this is the slightest snipet of a 6 page letter.

Remeber this is a tib bit
if you want more ask
and for that matter comment gosh darn it
or at least email me if you think this project is interesting
pgill1@students.depaul.edu
ooooooooooooooooo

A letter read, in my veiw, is a letter enhanced.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

(in regards to my supposed desire for my this contributor to have never written a letter before. This is very much assumed i ask for letters from anyone, avid letter writers or not, but it makes for a good image after word ok shutting up)

..........That, however, I can respect; the desire that we should both embark upon this journey together as innocents, as wide eyed travellers to a distant land, unknowing of our fates, careless of our destinations, to emerge-someday, somewhere- bruised, sad, a little wiser perhaps, but ultimately and joyusly Alive!

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Dali could paint a portrait of my life and it would turn out to be one of his most surreal, most twisted, mustachioed, and all together disturbing works evern splashed upon a canvas

0000000000000000000000000000000000

Heres is a ridiculous and entierly annoying ode to David Bowie:

The Public School Student sits and think:
Inked ravens of despair claw holes in the ass of the world's mind
Scrotal threats unhorse a question of flowers
I asked for answers and got a head full of heroin in return
When time fell wanking to the floor the kicked his teeth
My body disgusts
Damn grease wafts,
sweat balls from sweat balls and thigh fungus
A girl strips in my mind,
Squeezes my last pumping drop of hope and
rolls me over to sleep alone
Fire boar the dead cities of my mind and watch the skin peal and warp
We are all unhappy bubbles of anal wind popping and winking in the mortal bath

The Public School teacher responds in thought:
Every lavatory wall is an anthology
The Oxford dictionary of English verse perhaps may be the lavatory paper
i am assailed by doubt and racked by fear
Tossed in erect mucus foam of
of
of
Hatred
good
no
Esteemed Loathing
Snot trails of lust perforate the bowels of my content
Is there life on mars Major Tom

And thus, Bowie ends all.
00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000





THIS SHOULD BE NOTED:
all artists sending in work!
i am sorry but i cannot get it up on the page immediately
my camera is not functioning
i do not have a scanner
i swear to you though that i will find a way
that is why no art posts have been up lately

Short suggestion letter?

recently I received 4 letters in the matter of two days. i do not care if two happened to be from my mother [one containing rilo kiely tickets (score) and swim goggles (not subtle hint to get in shape), and the other being my brothers graduation announcement (engraved, sweet, from the school of the purple on the river!)]
after a complete divergence from the topic i will bring you to one of the other letters i received. well it was more of a package, bag, what have you.

and inside was a book.
This book to be exact



and with it came a quite fine envelope of black stationary, and inside this envelope was a note which read.

SAVOR THIS BOOK, IT IS BEAUTIFUL.
BEST WISHES, ----- ------

and here comes my personal plug for jonathan safran foer

HE IS PHENOMENAL, hands down one of the most enjoyable writers to read that has existed. I recently read Everything Is Illuminated and it was breath taking, and now I am just getting into Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, and all I have seen is greatness.

cunning linguist, he really gets how to write from a narrative perspective. and he doesnt stop there, he takes far reaching and very realistic subject matter and makes it surreal.
love this man
oh

ok containing myself

sorry that i took up so much blog with personal thoughts
i think it is because the letter is short

recap:
EXTREMELY LOUD AND INCREDIBLY CLOSE is one person's means of survival. This is them sharing, literally sharing in sending me the book, the passion for life.

letttter

have been wanting to post all week but i have been wanting to find the right letter or at least the right parts of a letter. I am running our of usable letters, I have typed up or tasken pieces out of almost all the letters I have.

I still cannot get my camera to work for the life of me, so the art work will have to wait. (sorry)

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
so here is a condensed long letter
(is this whole condensing thing ok with people, do you guys want the whole letter, give me some feedback)


----------------------------------------------------------

I 'VE DECIDED THAT I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE INTO MY INSECURITIES ANYMORE.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I know that this is the right place for me right now s, so I should just stop worrying about it. I realize that although juggleing school, work a relationship, and friends can be very difficult, it will be better in the end when I can do what I want.

ooooooooo

Listen to the song Shadows of Salford by the Doves. It's amazing.
oooooooooooooooo
I want to be happy, I want to help people, but I feel like yet again I am in a waiting place.
oooooooooooooooooooooooo

I definetely know that life can be depressing, lonely, confusing, and troublesome and what not. Do not fret because better times are around the corner even if it is a result of small like a smile or a song you once loved and now hear on the radio again. Just keep hanging in ther and know that hundereds of miles away you have a heart [sibling] who is truckin through life just like you.

-----------------------------------------------------------

the begining is my favorite
it really is written in bold across the heading
that is what i call hope

portions of letter

portions of letter so i am doing the whole bits of letters thing again
making attempts at being cogent
finding what is truly salient

using words that i probably only learned within the last two years because of SAT prep

ok
well here actually is a chunk of a letter i recieved
the parts untold are in essence two friends talking, the writer and I. The part I am giving you is the bulk of the letter, it deals with my friends then current situation, their break up and his resolve to keep a high held head.

__________________________________________________

.....Heartbreak is a sensation that I had to greet eventually, but it really threw me off my normal happy walk through life. I have (and am continuing) to learn how to be okay by myself, in a super literal sense. I have been ancy and impatient, waiting to find an activity or person to hang out with, since I was a kid. The process of learning how to be antisocial in a good way is new for me. My relationship with ------------ was healthy and beautiful, but it took away that anxiety and I have been readjusting for a while now.
Now I am in a good place. I know there will be many beatiful days ahead ,and some gloomy ones too, but each moment is a wonderful moment. There are many lessons out there that I will get to learn. No pain no gain; whatever does not kill you makes you stronger; basically there has to be suffering to know what love and joy really are.

_________________________________________________________

keep on living
and tell me about it

much love
patrick gill

short letter

So this sort secret-esque letter sent via email

although it does not directly speak as to how someone survives
i feel it does give light to some of the hardships and moral complexities people endure

---------------------------------------------------


She hurt me so much when I was with her, so why do I feel so bad about leaving her?

-----------------------------------

keep on living

much love
patrick gill

art letters

sorry the image on the last one was cut so i will try to put it here with the rest of the marvelous art that has been sent

I am almost certain this is not a repost
and i am really going to try and get peoples letters/art up more often this spring

----------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Patrick ,

Lack of knowledge keeps me going in life. Uncertainty keeps me going in life. The darkness keeps me going in life. Suffering keeps me going in life. Mistakes keep me going in life. Lies keep me going in life.

Without all these, there would be very little reason to live. If we were all perfect and knew everything and had wisdom to all be free from suffering and the causes of suffering there wouldnt be the great human mystery we all live for.

Each and every day I spend time trying to better others and better myself. Each success if a reason to keep going, a taste of whats to come. Each failure an opportunity to learn and grow.

Serve the truth, defy the lie. May we all be free.

Sincerely,
------------------------------


____________________________________________________

and this lovely thing was written across the back



__________________________________________________________________-

which reminds me
all art is appreciated
the illinoise letter writing project loves you

much love
patrick

letter what what

kick it out

i hope it doesnt lose meaning because it I extract the names

---------------------------------------------------

I have been meaning to write you letters for a while now, and now I’m finally doing it...during my B7 math final with ------------. But for the sake of you project i will tell you things that get me through the days:

My baby cousin ______ - He can sit up on his own now!

My dog _______ (who sometimes drives me up the wall)

The fact that I get to express myself.

There amazing people Ive met over the years that Ive grown to love, called friends.

My nana who loves me no matter what I do- comforts me when no one else will.

Everyday I learn something new and interesting,

The possibilty that today I will fall in love.

-____________________________________

--------------------------------------------

i need to start seeing if i am double posting because it is hard to remeber at times what i have posted

if you havent noticed i am slowly picking back up my mind

letter letter letter more more more

so again, this is one of the first letters i have ever gotten, but it is around 6 pages front and back so......

excepts? yes i am giving you the excerpts.

and yes, the author added a list of their favorite songs
hooray for exploring new facets of expression


------------------------------------------
oooooooooooo

I live through creativity. When I was little I used to paint and draw. I dont do that very much on my own anymore. At the moment my creativity is shown through my writing and my photography. I love taking pictures. The idea of capturing a specific moment in time forever and having it saved is amazing to me. At school we develop our own film the "old fashion" way and I really enjoy it. Working in the dark room calms me. really, anything creative calms me.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

Music adds life. When I cant be creative, all I have to do is listen to music and breathe and everything gets better.

000000000000000000000

favorite songs

Wild world- Cat Stevens
Hands- Jewel
Somewhere only we know- Keane
All in all- Lifehouse
A long December- Counting Crows
Stolen Car- Patty Griffin
Have a little faith in me- John Hiatt
Everybody’s Free- Baz Lurman
Romeo and Juliet- Dire Straits
Youre making it come alive- My Favorite Highway


oooooooooooooooooooooo

(after a description of inner family struggle, her family is distancing itself from a once close relative for various reasons)
I am just letting it go, and in doing so saving myself so much energy and stopping unneeded emotional turmoil. I believe that having a positive outlook in times of trouble is the best thing. And to remember that life is beautiful, it can change at any moment, and this is all you have. you cant waste it away doing frivolous things.
We are here for a reason and that is to live.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

...... I believe, no matter what, that lifs is beautiful and a blank slate that each of us paints our masterpiece. You are what you make of yourself and the attitude you hold.

oooooooooooooooooo
.... all I need is inside of me. My strength, beliefs ideas, that is what will pull me through.











-------------------------------------
this writer in a way their own way reccomoned the radio program "this i believe" which is broadcasted by NPR


additionally enclosed with a friendship bracelet
i have tied it to myself and made a wish

it fell off once before...... but i can reuse it right
its just really well made and i dont like wasting it
and hey i have a lot of wishes that might need fulfilling.

LETTER

call me butter because i am on a roll

what you will read here are excerpts of a letter from a good friend from his adventure through western africa. yes, africa, the project has in some technical sense become global........
because of its length though, i feel i must do some editing for this page.
this is where i stepping in as the facilitator of this project and plucking the passages i feel are most salient and beneficial to be read by the greater audience.

thank you very much good friend
and never worry
your hand writing is legible for the most part

hope you enjoy
------------------------------------------------------------

As i sit he I am watching an elephant bathe itself. Four other elephants wait on the skirts of the water. It is as if it came to pose for me. Earlier many elephants came but they were at a greater distance, and the enclosure by the water was full of noisy french. A king fisher occasionally flys by, suspends itself in the air and drops into the water. Across the water the baboons drink. A crocodile is sun bathing, thouugh it is hard to tell what type, there are a couple of monkeys in the trees near the baboons. But the elephant does not move. My camera cartridge is almost full and i already ha to delete too many pictures. I am afraid i am going to run out of space very soon. And I have a serious problem of feeling obliged to the awfully nice elephant for posing and turning so as not to have the sun on its back for a better picture.


ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

As we came closer to the center of Cotonou I noticed dozens of people sleeping in the street. I don’t remember seeing any cars.

(coming to a hotel)
Arriving at the front door, well there wasnt a door. Tables were pushed up against the door way. The room is hot and humid and a bit pricey. We cant open (the door) for fear of mosquitoes. Our second night we realize there are hardly as many skiters as anticipated.



oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

At the embassy we were well received, and the process was short thanks to our country’s leadership.
-"Your American?" asked the Togo secretary "I better speed up you visa’s or Bush will bomb us!"



------------------------------------------------------------

there are more great quotes to come possibly
as for now i might dig up another letter or catch some sleep

future thoughts
i feel that possibly posting parts of other regular correspondents letters would be a good idea as well

hmmmmmmmmm


ps: dont be too shy to comment on any blog

letttttter

let the dust settle no more

spring cleaning and i am starting to air out the letters again
no more personal tummolts to block this

i will photograph the lovely art that goes with this and post it soon i suppose as well
i just feel the words very much fit my new attitude.

i really hope i have not posted this yet
-------------------------------------------------------------


If you are willing to realize that we have no issues
or problems, only questions.. you will live your life searching
for an answer that exists. for every question there is an answer,
and the first step to finding that answer- is to know ones self.

You ask me why you cant be yourself in a social setting?
Do you know yourself without the people around you giving you definition?
Whats the point of a definition- the most powerful feelings are undefinable and if you need a definition for yourself...
you dont know yourself
Enlightenment lies in the contentment of ones self .

Go sit on a mountain.
Get dirty.
Be always in a state of ecstacy, for you have no problems.
------------------------------------


ah yes
the last line is going to help me soon i feel

much love
patrick gill

letter

because of this project i have taken up a regular correspondence with a few wonderful people. (these letters are quite long and often time not pertaining to personal philosophies, but it is possible that i will post parts of them soon). well i feel that one of my recent letters came with and added bonus.

this letter was accompanied by sound. yes we are exploring a new medium of expression in how one survives. this mix cd was sent to give me further insight into the innerworkings of the writers head and their thought processes, as wel as be enjoyable for me. it was both.
thank you
here is the track listing
Song-Album-Artist
-------------------------------

Across the Universe- Across the Universe OST- Jim Sturgess
Title Music- The Darjeeling Limited OST- Shankar Jaikishan
Dont think twice its alright- Bob Dylan
Lately- Keep Your eyes ahead- The Helio Sequence
A setting sun- Grand Archives- Grand Archives
O, Valencia- The Crane's Wife- The Decemberists
The Underdog- Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga- Spoon
How my heart behaves- The Reminder- Feist
This time tommorow- The Darjeeling Limited OST- The Kinks
If you want me- Once OST- Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
Suite Bergamasque: 3 CLAIR DE LUNE- The Darjeeling Limited OST- Alexis Weissenberg
El condor passa (If I could)-Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits- Simon and Garfunkel
Tire Swing- Juno OST- Kimya Dawson
Ana-Bossanova- Pixies
The Birth and Death of the Day- all of a sudden i miss everyone- explosions in the sky
Shadows of salford- - Doves
Piano Sonata No 2 in B flat minor-Cortot plays Chopin- Alfred Cortot
Les Champs Elysees- The Darjeeling Limited OST- Joe Dassin
------------------------------------------------------------

it may seem like posting is a bit sporadic
and it should be done more often, because there are some letters that have yet to be posted (but are quite long and usually only my regular correspondence people). but with that said i have not received any mail for at least two weeks. this saddens me, and i am calling out to all readers, if you exist, to please contribute for the sake of one man needing to hear a tale of survival now, and for the other people who may read this blog and do read the other myspace blog.

i do not want to sound like a desperate life leach, but i would like for this project to stay a float.

---------------------------

Dear Patrick,

What gets me through the night and brings me to the day....

Is the ability to have memory
I want to remeber those times on
the concrete basement floor building
castles out of green and yellow wood blocks

I need to remeber how we bought that
coffee table, painted it green and
purchased an ashtray to match- even
though we were to young to smoke.

I want to remember the time you
left and ther i stood without a plan or
virture.

Remember that time when we wanted
the silver pillows float overhead and
you took me to the Rock N Roll Hall of
fame- yet another memory that I
wake up to every morning.

I get through the day remebering
that one concert, that one day, that
one cup of tea, that one dinner party,
that one tape and those two record
players

I wake up so I can miss you and
everyone I am to meet. I want to
forgive and learn and hurt and be
amazed at the human race.

I get through the day by remembering
those times in the park and the circle
drive that runs by my house and
trailing a handmade kite out the
back car window.

I remember living in seven different
houses in one city and loving the
yellow, blue, green, and white
painting hanging in the hall way.

I wake up, put on a sweater and
scarf and walk out my door because
when my house burns down- fuck the
furniture, fuck all the clothing
and end tables, fuck the hand
painted china because all I need is
my camera- I can't keep getting
through the day without remembering
and I need to create memories to
remember... how to get the next
day.

---------------------------


also in this envelope was an awesome pin
it is now on my blue shop coat

letters again

Hello everyone out there

here is a very sweet letter that i recently had the pleasure of reading.

hope all is well
here it goes

____________________________________________

For You Patrick,

I know it has taken me forever to write but hey better late than never?

What gets you through the night?
Knowing that I have lived a day, though it may have been super stressful. And hopefully I will have another day to expirence my youth in its fullest. I am grateful I can sleep in a place that is beautiful and safe with parents who love me no matter who I am. The fact that getting through the night is taking away one more day of from Bush's presidency is also a plus.

How do you get through the day?
To be honest, though it is no suprise, smiling really does helpme get through a day. Even when my life seems to be in shambles, a joke or sarcastic comment about my situation is enough to survive to see another. Most people tell me repressing my feelings is bad but I feel like I let my feelings be exposed by laughing. Another way I make it through the day is to make sure I have events in the near future to look forward, whether it be reading an entire book in one day or seeing a movie, knowing I have something to be excited about I know it is going to be ok. And if times are really bad singing at the top of my lungs to a song I feel I sing well is a way to not run away. I can give you a list of classics later.

What dreams have you had since childhood?
There are many dreams I have had that I do not necessarily let the general public know about because they seem unattainable. I have always dreamed of going to college in a big city outside of California. I am fulfilling that dream next year! I want to write a book someday. As cocky as it sounds, I think people would actually read my memoirs. I would love to meet Tom Brokaw and tell him he is going to televise my liberation of the Middle East or I will just enjoy a cup of tea with an amazing journalist.

But really.....

A dream I have had since my childhood is to make my mother proud of me. To let her know all the sacrifices she has made to raise me paid off. Therefore, she can see me and say thats my daughter with a smile on her face.

__________________________________________________

if the format of this letter intrigues you
it is because it is a direct response to a flyer (made by Katchina) on my page
if you wish to do the same (it helps focus the mind sometimes) go ahead
if you wish to print the flyer and spread the word that is good too
if you want to make a flyer, check it with me, i will most likely ok the design
and you can go on posting it

ENJOY
much love
patrick

LETTER

as a preface, i hope you all notice how privacy is insured. names are represented with dashes. aside from privacy, i also think that this makes letters a bit more universal/applicable to all readers.
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Dear Patrick,
Hey! Its ----------- --------------, that girl you have known since ----------. Anyways, I think its excellent that you are doing the letter project, because i just finished an essay talking about how writing has more of an impression on people then words sometimes. Ok now for the juciy stuff, for some reason I had a feeling I was supposed to write my name and tell you this. You probably think that I am happy and smily all the time, but the only reason I seem that way is because I bottle in my emotions. I have a very difficult time crying in front of people because I can't even cry in front of my own mother. When I was little and I would start to cry my mom would yell at me telling me to stop crying and ask why I was crying. And of course I couldn't tell her why because it is hard when you are crying. So I would run from her and go in my room. Before my parents got divorced my dad would be the one to come in and hold me until I was done crying so that i could explain myself. And he still does that to this day, except now a days he lives in Arizona. So everytime I cry now I have to do it by myself and I have a hard time telling people how I truly feel because I dont want any conflict. The last time my dad held me when I cried was after I heard him and his girlfriend having sex in the room next to me for the second time. I know you probably don't want to hear that but you said be honest. The thing is, I can't even remember a time when my mom actually comforted me as I cried because she would usually make it worse. Oh, and my grandpa on my dad's side refuses to talk to me because I have a life, but I actually don't mind because he was an asshole that always made me feel like crap. But I learned that smiling and humor are the best things to hide behind. Well Patrick, I hope thats what you were looking for. Thank you for reading this, I feel that a lot is off my shoulders. Hows Chicago? I want to go there someday so I expect you to give me a tour. I'll tell my friends to write you a letter because this was actually really good for me. So thank you again. I hope to hear from you soon!

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side notes/after thoughts :

first:
reading this letter , re reading this letter, transcribing this letter and reading this letter again made it so very apparent that we all need someone at some point in our lives to offer comfort.

second:
the act of crying still baffels me to this day: its good and its bad, its private for some and public for others, it feels needed sometimes and other times its thrown in for theatrics.

third:
i was very suprised when i saw who this letter came from.
and although she admitted that she wrote her name on the letter to me i still dont feel right putting it on the internet with her name. it was written before the blog came to be and i understand privacy is a very important thing.(that is why i prefer stalls to urinals). also i think that a name would detract from the universal nature of the project. i understand that these are all personal letters, we are indivduals shaped by our expirences and passions; but this does not discount the fact that all humans together have been through similar expirences and may gleen from ones expirences the beginings of a new train of thought or empathy.


as always
much love

patrick gill

LETTER

i actually have been meaning to put this letter up for quite some time.
it is very direct and helpful
if you want to see exactly how someone gets through the day, than read this.

dont forget to show this writer some love
respond if you wish
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How i survive.....

I survive by surrounding mysefl with what i find is beautiful or interesting
such as:
music
art
literature
poetry
beautiful scenery
actions

If I cannot be in a beautiful place then I try to look on the bright side.

I analyze to the fullest extent. I am always thinking. I try to see the whole picture and I love to try and help people. I generally am a solitary and sometimes lonely person. How I deal with this is by somehow ahving a connection with someone or something even if it is something small like an exchange of smiles.

The world depresses me. I try no to think about it too much but I can't help it sometimes. This is when I write poetry or prose and/or create art. I'm not sure it is all that talented but I try and it is an outlet.

Oh and I love to learn and listen to people. I think of every moment as an opportunity to learn something new. I use ma super-analyzing skills to discern what my opinion is.

I don't like conflict, it depresses me. But if there is a situation where ther is confilct then I try my best to slove the problem, and help others out with their problems.

I try to keep an open mind to always continue to learn.
-----------------------------------------

ENJOY

Fresh start with the early letters

i believe this actions requires a bit of an introduction
my name is patrick gill and i am a part of the illinoise letter writing project
i have the pleasure of posting these letters and keeping them up on my wall
thank you to anyone who has written me.

i would also like to mention that this blog runs parrallel to a more interactive myspace account that i also run.
its url is www.myspace.com/patty_is_raddy (oh how i wish i could change that url)


I am going to post letters, verbatim of what i receive. if you send in a letter and you do not want to see you letter up, you may express that concern in the letter. i value privacy, so i will not post the name of the sender or subsequent names mentioned in the letter (unless you express that this is ok with you.)

I ask of everyone who reads these blogs that the writers of these letters are respected. responses to this posts are allowed and encouraged. but if they are detrimental or harshly negative then i will be forced to delete them. otherwise you may express concern, sympathy, empathy, or other emotions or words.

that being said i hope you enjoy
these are two letters i recived so far.
they are both from unamed sources, so i feel their writers character are going to remain intact

Letter 1:
I was looking forward to being able to tell you how I get by day by day, but i just recently found I dont know myself. Life is too stressful and drama filled. I wish things were simpler. Like when we were little things werent that big of a deal and people weren't judged so much. Today is different. As much as I love technology and ideas of the future, my generation does not look very hopeful. I myself have confrontation issues beacuse I am used to apathy in conversations over the computer. Reality is difficult, people aren't what they seem and have just as many secrets as you. I don't know if you have heard of Post Secret, but it is one of the few things salvaging my soul. Reading people's secrets lets me know there are others out there with the same problems. I am not alone. And for some odd reason odd reason, knowing others fears and hopes and desires comfort me. If you don't know what I am talking about visit Postsecret.com. Anyways, this letter is quite random, and I like that. I dont have enough spontenaity in my life right now.
(I hope you can read my handwriting...)
Thank you for this opportunity. I am going to write again in my free time
I hope you enjoy reading all the letters you recive. It sounds like a pretty cool project to me
Have a nice day
Yours Truly,
from a very uncertain lost soul
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if you have not read post secret
i also encourage it
and if you have a facebook i recommend the social moth application if you enjoy post secret

--------------------------------------------------------------
Letter 2:

I can't understand why
fear and hate consume
me. I hate the way I
feel. So much that the
thought if ending my
life has crossed
my mind numerous
times. I've tried to
think positive. I dont
want to die. I just want
this pain that plauges
me everyday to go away.
They say it's just a phase
It'll go away. They ask, why
are you so sad? If I knew
I could fix it. I am hiding.
I know you're in there. It's
okay to come out. The real me is hiding.
She's bound and gagged by depression. He
wont let her out. Please let her out. Please let
her free. I can't handele this anymore. Everyday
is a constant battle to not shoe my pain to
anyone. They dont understant. Everywhere i
hear the same thing. What do you have to be
depressed about? Instead of ignoring my pain
how about open your heart and try to
understand. But no one seems to care. I am
fighting for my happiness, my sanity. Its all
on me.
-----------------------
i wrote this in this form because of the picture drawn on it



i feel that the flower is necessary to the entire presentation of the letter
=======================================

ok
so these are just the first of many to come

much love
and keep on living