letter

I figure I should come back in a big way
Right?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear patrick,

I hope all is well in chicago. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to write you. Me and ----------- broke up. You might have heard or you might not. I think I didn't love her anymore. I'm with this new girl now named -----------. Shes turbulent and young. I dont know what to make of her really, Its only been two weeks and we've almost broken up twice. I was so used to ---------- calculated routineness that it's a culture shock to be with -------. I'm scared for my future I think. Im trying to hold on vainly to the scraps of childhood I have left. Im 17 years old and in a few months I'll be 18. I probably don't have enough money for the Academy of Art, but I will probably end up riding it out in debt and going there anyways.
Is it ok to hate yourself? I hate myself I think. I've hated myself since I was 8 years old. Ive never really told many people, but I tried to kill myself 2 times. I didn't tell -------------, even though at the times of the attempts we were seeing each other. I think she would have freaked out or something. I'm considering taking up smoking cigarettes and drinking as well. Ive never done either, and I would like to experiment. Maybe not. As usual Im all talk and no game. I need help I guess. I consider myself a failure and little is keeping me from trying to kill myself again. I need something to live for. Right now there just isn't. I don't even draw as much as I did before. I haven't done graph in ages. I feel worked myself into something I really like and then when I broke up with -------------- everything went to hell. Me and ------------'s relationship was good, but I felt married at 17. Who wants that? I think I'm falling in love with -----, and I don't want to because she so wishy washy about everything. I listen to the Locust now. More than I should probably. Something about the pure energy and anger that just pours out of the music attracts me to it likes moths to a flame. My dad always said "Nobody said life would be easy". Hes right you know. Its really not. Shits hard. I feel like an outside again. Its fucking 6th grade all over again for me. For all arguable reasons I have, I should be happy, but Im just not. I guess time will tell. as it always does. I hope this letter finds you well.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

I remember the precise moment I read this letter last year. I was walking, it was windy and my scarf was wrapped tight but still flailing a bit. It was in the midst of some personal turmoil, the kind that routine cold weather and big personalities (mainly my own) can bring on. I open this envelope with expectations, not exactly positive ones, although I always find a letter to be some kind of relief. I opened the envelope, draw the letter and walk and read, only to read the first quarter of it and need to stop. I needed to asses the situation, the first reading of this letter much more seriously than I was. It almost brought me to tears, which is what other peoples unexpectedly disjointed, fragile narratives mixed with exhaustion does. The letter told me many things I never knew about its writer, but it also told me to stop, to rest and understand the severity of human endeavors. It was nice, sure it cut down to the bone, but sometimes thats nice right?

I want readers to know the writer of this is drinking smoking, sinning, unattached to a significant other, living, drawing, breathing deep, and hopefully taking it easy from time to time. If you are in the central coast you may see some of his wonderful art up in public places.

little recent anecdote I love about this person
I was recently hanging out with them while back in California. They said they had recently picked up a hitch hiker on a whim. I believe my the writer descibed the girl as a nice looking hippie. During the drive, the hippie, after hearing enough of the relentless metalcore piercing what could have been a quite drive, she turned to my friend and said "You are fueled by hate"
They said "your damn fucking right, but that is still rude, how dare you" and continued to drive to where the girl needed to go.
That is what made me realize that this person is not really fueled by hate, completely.